


you know you can't hold back the rain

by LadyAllana



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Confusing pronouns, Episode Related, F/M, M/M, Soulmates, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-06 21:23:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14656512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyAllana/pseuds/LadyAllana
Summary: The Doctor Falls, but it's the Master who has always suffered.An introspection.





	you know you can't hold back the rain

**Author's Note:**

> This is a repost because I had to tweak a bit.   
> Do you think Missy is really truly gone? Any comments are welcome!

_It's the same old story_

_Coming round again_

_What is done is done now_

_You know you can't hold back the rain_

_-No Future in the Past (Alan Parsons Project)_

 

He holds the tears back, until they become too much to contain and tumble out uncontrollably in a manic laughter. Later, when he becomes she and tears are a little bit more conventional even for a Time Lord still, she is too accustomed to this centuries-old ritual to change it.

 

If nothing, she is a creature of habit.

 

 

Trapped in a cage of her own making, her little twisted accord with the Doctor that was bound to be broken even before the moment she decided to make it, she was given awful a lot time to think.

 

She has always blamed the Doctor for running, the cage forces her to see how she has kept herself busy, _devastatingly busy_ , until she bled and killed and burned and burnt from inside out to get away from the rhythm of her own destruction.

 

She can’t quite remember it now, whether it was the schemes that came first and the melody that followed or the other way around. Was she this, _this broken_ before Rassilon got his filthy hands on her or was she the target of a nameless crime, a crimeless ritual because she had been too fundamentally broken to begin with?

 

She has gone crazy asking himself these questions many times before.

 

_Dan Dan…_

_Dan Dan…_

 

After the four beats, it’s pretty much a slippery slope every time.

 

It starts soon after the rituals are completed, the whole of time and space staring into his soul and engraving the music of insanity he will try lifetimes trying to escape.

 

She isn’t quite sure anymore but back then his biggest disappointment had been the fact that nobody had noticed the great change brewing inside of him. Not his parents, not his mentors and worst of all not the young boy whom he had adopted as more than a friend, more than a brother but a part of his very soul from an extremely young age.

 

He hadn’t understood how this part of him, irrelevantly living inside another corporeal body, hadn’t been affected the same way as he had been.  How the Doctor had remained to be so carefree and childish and how he had been the one destined to carry the burden of eternity on his shoulders over a forth night.

 

No one heard the drums but him.

 

No one until years, centuries later he laid down in his own blood, body paralyzed and the sound of his own veins protesting so loud in his ears that the drumming was finally dimmed out by his own demise. The echo of life bowing down in front of the vast emptiness of her eternal enemy.

 

Was it before or after she had gained this death drive?

 

Was it the insanity or a cleverness?

 

A wish to sleep or a wish to die?

 

He meets the Doctor, barely out of his diapers and on their way to early admission to the academy and they spend a whole summer running in the red fields of his father’s estate. At the very first touch of their untrained minds reaching in every direction and grabbing everything they encounter on their way and claiming them  _mine,_ the warmth of the other boy completely encompasses him, hugging him tight in a mental hug until tears are streaming down both their faces and they both repeat:

 

_Mine._

 

_You’re mine._

Then comes the academy doing their best to keep them apart by teaching, no forcing them to control their telepathy and Rassilon who takes it all away from him.

 

Step by step he learns everything with and about the Doctor.

 

Year by year he gets dragged further away from him.

 

The saddest part of it all is that the Doctor grows up, beautifully, unscarred and unaware of his inner turmoil, of the migraine and the drums that never ever stop.

 

Years later, when they are so old but look so young he screams all that he had been holding back into his face, trying the hurt the Doctor for the pain he didn’t cause but did nothing to stop either.

 

He had been desperate for attention and care, but the Doctor had been too busy, even after the war and everything ended, always, but there had been no place left in his life without the Doctor.

 

He didn’t know how to live without him until he was forced to drag him out, out of his soul and then touching hurt, hearing hurt and seeing him was the last thing he wanted to do whenever he stopped by.

 

Dying in his arms, for what feels like the millionth time and too weak to wipe away the Doctor’s tears, he swears once again to take revenge.

 

He swears once again to come back,

 

because even though death is inevitable, he will not stand for a final separation.

He comes back again.

 

Saves the Doctor, gives up himself for that part of himself,

 

Again.

 

This is their difference he knows, he will never let the one he holds the dearest come and stand with him.

 

It doesn’t stop her to torment him again again, feeling happy just to be near, just to be in his mind. She has found calmness in this agony she feels until it doesn’t burn but simply warms her insides after so long in the cold. She even starts helping his companions out, to be able to feel like them, like she is the one who matters to most again.

 

Trapped in an execution that she didn’t plan, with the drums getting louder and louder in her head, she will admit that she really didn’t except it to be the Doctor to become her executioner, now that Gallifrey is back and he has no reason to be anywhere near her.

 

His presence almost brings more relief then the silence that comes with the final beating of her hearts.

 

Without the hope she lost long before he gave up on her, without witness but themselves and without any reward but him by her side once again, after centuries, she finally makes a conscious, willful decision to change.

 

To try to be better.

 

To try to be his again.

 

Then the test comes, and as she had always did in the Doctor’s eyes, she fails.

 

She gets scared and falls back on herself, her previous incarnation who is even in more pain then her. They kick the Doctor, beat and tie him up.

 

She sees his hands tremble, from fear or fury she knows not.

 

He sees her trying to hold back the tears and scowls.

 

He wants to say to the Doctor,  _you are the only part of me without the drums_. A confession he hasn’t been able to make in a millennium, words that are never allowed to pass his lips and reach his ears.

 

She wants to take his hand and say, _I’m not complete without you._

But they have never been brave enough to speak out and the Doctor has never been brave enough to listen.

 

And the Master has stopped trusting to even to her very heart, to his very soul.

 

The Doctor, disappointed once again, leaves.

 

Again.

 

Perhaps for the very last time.

 

_~~Hopefully not.~~ _

 

So, she does the only thing she can to make the madness stop, stabbing him on his side as compassionately as she can, the pain of the flesh a bare flicker in the endless torment of his mind.

 

So he does the only thing he can to make her see reason, that poor woman who must have finally gone delirious from the pain that was caused by all those around them, even the one they considered the closest, even themselves though that’s a fact he will never admit to himself,  he shoots her square in the back, as suicide is the only way for the drumming to stop.

 

                It has always been the only solution,

 

                the final call,

 

                Brief but certain relief

 

                Without the Doctor by their side,

 

                utterly alone,

 

                _death was but their destiny all along._


End file.
